Collections of Dilip Prakash

Posts Tagged ‘funny

A father passing by his teenage daughter’s bedroom
was  astonished to see the bed was nicely made and

Everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope

propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It

was addressed “Dad”.

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and

read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing

you, but I’m leaving home. I had to elope with my new

boyfriend  Saim because I wanted to avoid a scene with

Mom and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Saim and he is so

nice to me. I know when you meet him you’ll like him

too – even with all his piercing, tattoos, and

motorcycle clothes.

But it’s not only the passion Dad, I’m pregnant and

Saim said that he wants me to have the kid and that we

can be very happy together. Even though Saim is much

older than me (anyway, 42 isn’t so old these days is

it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn’t

stand in the way of our relationship, don’t you agree?

Saim has a great CD collection; he already owns a

trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for

the whole winter.
It’s true he has other girlfriends as well but I know

he’ll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to

have many more children with me and that’s now one of

my dreams too.

Saim taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt

anyone and he’ll be growing it for us and we’ll trade

it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we

want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will

find a cure for AIDS so Saim can get better; he sure

deserves it!!
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how

to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back

to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,

Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters “PTO”.

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet,

and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the

neighbour’s house. I just wanted to remind you that   there are worse things in life than my report card

that’s in my desk centre drawer.

Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come

home.

I love you!

Dear STAFF,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

***********

1) TRANSPORTATION:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

A) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

B) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

C) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

***********

2) ANNUAL LEAVE :

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! Said 1 employee).

– They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.

***********

3) LUNCH BREAK:

A) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

B) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

C) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

***********

4) SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.

– If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

***********

5) SURGERY :

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

– You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

– To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

***********

6) INTERNET USAGE :

All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges

Will be deducted from your salary.

– Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 10MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.

Best Regards,
HRD

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it.

If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy
to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is?” son!

The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!”

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice
even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is
God?!”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble
this time.

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(“I really LOVED reading next line again and again”)

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…… GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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When you write copy, you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite and have the right to copyright the rite you write. Conservative people write right copy and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right. Should Thomas Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright’s right rite and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right. Is that about right?

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A little rabbit happily running through the forest stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a

marijuana cigarette. The rabbit looks at her and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do

you do this? Think about your health. Come with me running through the forest,

you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!” The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint,

tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing opium, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!” The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot… The rabbit says “Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!”

The lion answers….. …..

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“That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s high on cocaine!”

Sekar (Calling his family from Amsterdam): Good Evening Mom and Dad. Where is my wife Sheela?

Dad: Just now I called her. She is on the way to home after taking our grandson Rahul from his school.

Sekar: Let us wait for her few minutes and we will start this discussion.
(By the time Sheela entered in to the house.. Sekar continue the meeting)

I hope you know the Agenda of the meeting which I had mentioned in the meeting request. Even though let me read out the agenda once again
1. Status update/Discussion on Last Week Action Items
2. Family Strategy
2. Rahul’s Education
3. Medical Insurance for Mom and Dad

I hope every one have the printout of last week MOM (Minutes of Meeting).
Dear Mom can you please update the status of tasks which you are taking care of?

Mom: Sekar, I am taking care of kitchen module which involves making products like Sambar, Rasam, Curd Rice, Vegetable Biriyani.I am not comfortable in handling the tools for making Non Vegetarian products. You suggest some training in Hlite. However after making these products, I am giving to your Dad for Acceptance testing. Once he satisfied with the quality of taste, we pass it to Dining Hall. One more thing, I would like to share with you. As you have suggested during my appraisal discussion, now I have stopped crying while watching mega serials in TV

Sekar: Sounds Good.

Sekar: Now coming to Dad. Dad can you please update us?

Dad: Yes. My dear son. I have completed my tasks by paying the current bill and phone bill with in time.

Sekar: That’s good

Dad: But I couldn’t pay the premium amount of 9200.00 of the LIC plan which you had taken for tax reduction purpose.

Sekar: It doesn’t look nice dad. I have sent you the amount already and given clear instructions.
Can you explain to me what went wrong?

Dad: On Tuesday night suddenly one of our team mate (your mom) fell down on the floor when she was running to catch Rahul. Then we took her to hospital and spent that amount for her medical expenses.

Mom: Sekar, I would like to add on what your Dad said, that was true. I got heavy injury in my legs and I was in hospital for two days. So now we don’t have money to pay for the premium.

Sekar: Sheela..! Would you aware of this? As a home lead, I expect you to track these issues and send it to me on daily basis. What are you doing (With stress on ‘doing’) after coming from college?

Sheela: Will do it Sekar. You know that the college, I am working is very far from our home. Every day I come back home at 6 pm and sit with Rahul for assisting him for doing his home work.

Sekar: Ok. Coming to second Agenda point .Due to this financial crisis we need to change the strategy of running our family. I am looking for your cooperation in the following cost cutting activities. I want to see the cost benefit of 40 % in this month budget after implementing this
 Asking servant maid to leave her job
 Stop ordering Pizzas for dinner
 Avoid Tooth paste and use Neem sticks/Banyan Tree Sticks
 Switch on TV only for watching Sunday Movie and Friday Oliyum Ozhiyum(Well known program for film songs in Podigai TV)
 Wise to listen news from our near by portion when they watch news in TV
 Every Saturday visit our relative’s homes and spend the whole day including break fast, lunch and Dinner
 Don’t invite anybody to our home. Sunday our relatives might come to our house. Just lock the door outside and do your work inside silently.
 Everybody assemble in adjacent street Perumal temple on Sunday for breakfast. They provide ‘Pongal’ as ‘prasadam’ which is good in taste
 Sheela stop going for gym and Yoga class. Use Attural (Made up of Stone for making Dosa /idly dough), Ammikal (Replacement of Mixie) instead of grinder and Mixie. Mom please give KT to Sheela about this.
 Don’t buy excess of things and store it in Fridge. Use big Mud pots for cool water.
 Everybody go to bed early around 6:30 pm. Ask Rahul to do his homework when he comes back from school immediately during the hours sunlight is available. If not ask him to read under street light.
 Use as much of cycle for transportation to near by places(It will help you to reduce fat and Cholesterol content)
 I know you are eager to watch latest release ‘Vaaranam Aayiram’. Don’t plan for that. Wail till next year Diwali to watch the same movie in Kalaignar TV

If you have any clarifications contact Sheela@kitchen

Coming to second Agenda point. Sheela, can you please update me about Rahul’s Education. In which standard he is studying? Whether he got any double promotion? He was writing annual exam for third standard when I was leaving for Amsterdam.

Sheela: Sekar, I am bit worrying about his education. I have tracked his efforts, schedule in our OHM+ tool. I found 20 % in Effort variance and 35 % in schedule deviation. His learning curve goes down in the control chart which you can see in the report, I have sent you yesterday.

Sekar: Thanks for your measurements. I will review the report and we will discuss it on next week’s call. I have a client meeting now. So we will discuss the third agenda item next week. Mom and Dad.. can you please drop out from the call. I wanted to talk to Sheela about few personal things and Dad, don’t forget to circulate the MOM to every one.

Sheela: Hello Sekar..

Sheela: Hello…Hello…

Sheela: Hello…

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PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS R PAID SO MUCH……FOR JUST
BEING ON THE PHONE.
TAKE A LOOK:

1 ) Tech Support : “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer : “Ok.”
Tech Support : “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer : “No.”
Tech Support : “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer : “No.”
Tech Support : “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?”
Customer : “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”

—————————————-

2) Customer : “I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message.”
Tech Support : “Did you install the update?”
Customer: “No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?”

————————————————–

3)Customer : “I’m having trouble installing Microsoft Word.”
Tech Support : “Tell me what you’ve done.”
Customer : “I typed ‘A: SETUP’.”
Tech Support : “Ma’am, remove the disk and tell me what it says.”
Customer : “It says ‘[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk’.”
Tech Support : “Insert the MS Word setup disk.”
Customer : “What?”
Tech Support: “Did you buy MS word?”
Customer: “No…”

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4).Customer : “Do I need a computer to use your software?”
Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)

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5). Tech Support : “Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,
can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?”
Customer : “Wow. How can you see my screen from there?”
Tech support : ##### ***

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6) Tech Support : “What type of computer do you have?”
Customer : “A white one.”
Tech support : ******_____####

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7). Tech Support : “What operating system are you running?”
Customer : “Pentium.”
Tech support : ////—–+++

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8). Customer : “My computer’s telling me I performed an illegal abortion.”
Tech support : ??????

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9).Cus tomer : “I have Microsoft Exploder.”
Tech Support : ?!%#$

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10). Customer : “How do I print my voicemail?”
Tech support : ??????

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11). Customer : “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to
print document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”
Tech Support : “What does it say?”
Customer : “Something about an error and non-system disk.”
Tech Support : “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”
Customer : “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.”
Tech support : @@@@@

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12). Tech Support: “Just call us back if there’s a problem. We’re open
24 hours.”
Customer: “Is that Eastern time?”

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13). Tech Support : “What does the screen say now?”
Customer : “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”
Tech Support : “Well?”
Customer : “How do I know when it’s ready?”
Tech support : *** —- ++++

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The best of the lot
14). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that
his computer is faulty.
Tech: What’s the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: (keep quite)
Tech: You’ll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You’ll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup
and it will fix the
problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
Tech support::
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech
is frustrated and fed up.
Tech support:: (hush hush)
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there
is an undocumented DOS
command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at
the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User : It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User : MS-DOS 6.22 .
Tech : That’s your problem there. That version of DOS didn’t come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you
the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User : I need a new power supply.
Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion?
Tech support : (hush hush)
User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE.

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Hight Of all (Too Good)

15) customer care officer: I need a product identification number
right now and may I help u in
finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find ‘My Computer’?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?


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