Collections of Dilip Prakash

Archive for the ‘funny’ Category

Dear STAFF,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

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1) TRANSPORTATION:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

A) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

B) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

C) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

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2) ANNUAL LEAVE :

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! Said 1 employee).

– They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.

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3) LUNCH BREAK:

A) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

B) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

C) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

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4) SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.

– If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

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5) SURGERY :

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

– You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

– To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

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6) INTERNET USAGE :

All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges

Will be deducted from your salary.

– Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 10MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.

Best Regards,
HRD

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Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it.

If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy
to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is?” son!

The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!”

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice
even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is
God?!”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble
this time.

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(“I really LOVED reading next line again and again”)

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…… GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. ?While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked ‘Is my time up?’

God said, ‘No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.’


Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, ‘I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?’

(You’ll love this)


– God replied: ‘I didn’t recognize you.’

When you write copy, you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite and have the right to copyright the rite you write. Conservative people write right copy and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right. Should Thomas Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright’s right rite and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right. Is that about right?

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A little rabbit happily running through the forest stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a

marijuana cigarette. The rabbit looks at her and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do

you do this? Think about your health. Come with me running through the forest,

you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!” The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint,

tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing opium, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!” The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot… The rabbit says “Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!”

The lion answers….. …..

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“That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s high on cocaine!”

world-adis-day-theme

Sekar (Calling his family from Amsterdam): Good Evening Mom and Dad. Where is my wife Sheela?

Dad: Just now I called her. She is on the way to home after taking our grandson Rahul from his school.

Sekar: Let us wait for her few minutes and we will start this discussion.
(By the time Sheela entered in to the house.. Sekar continue the meeting)

I hope you know the Agenda of the meeting which I had mentioned in the meeting request. Even though let me read out the agenda once again
1. Status update/Discussion on Last Week Action Items
2. Family Strategy
2. Rahul’s Education
3. Medical Insurance for Mom and Dad

I hope every one have the printout of last week MOM (Minutes of Meeting).
Dear Mom can you please update the status of tasks which you are taking care of?

Mom: Sekar, I am taking care of kitchen module which involves making products like Sambar, Rasam, Curd Rice, Vegetable Biriyani.I am not comfortable in handling the tools for making Non Vegetarian products. You suggest some training in Hlite. However after making these products, I am giving to your Dad for Acceptance testing. Once he satisfied with the quality of taste, we pass it to Dining Hall. One more thing, I would like to share with you. As you have suggested during my appraisal discussion, now I have stopped crying while watching mega serials in TV

Sekar: Sounds Good.

Sekar: Now coming to Dad. Dad can you please update us?

Dad: Yes. My dear son. I have completed my tasks by paying the current bill and phone bill with in time.

Sekar: That’s good

Dad: But I couldn’t pay the premium amount of 9200.00 of the LIC plan which you had taken for tax reduction purpose.

Sekar: It doesn’t look nice dad. I have sent you the amount already and given clear instructions.
Can you explain to me what went wrong?

Dad: On Tuesday night suddenly one of our team mate (your mom) fell down on the floor when she was running to catch Rahul. Then we took her to hospital and spent that amount for her medical expenses.

Mom: Sekar, I would like to add on what your Dad said, that was true. I got heavy injury in my legs and I was in hospital for two days. So now we don’t have money to pay for the premium.

Sekar: Sheela..! Would you aware of this? As a home lead, I expect you to track these issues and send it to me on daily basis. What are you doing (With stress on ‘doing’) after coming from college?

Sheela: Will do it Sekar. You know that the college, I am working is very far from our home. Every day I come back home at 6 pm and sit with Rahul for assisting him for doing his home work.

Sekar: Ok. Coming to second Agenda point .Due to this financial crisis we need to change the strategy of running our family. I am looking for your cooperation in the following cost cutting activities. I want to see the cost benefit of 40 % in this month budget after implementing this
 Asking servant maid to leave her job
 Stop ordering Pizzas for dinner
 Avoid Tooth paste and use Neem sticks/Banyan Tree Sticks
 Switch on TV only for watching Sunday Movie and Friday Oliyum Ozhiyum(Well known program for film songs in Podigai TV)
 Wise to listen news from our near by portion when they watch news in TV
 Every Saturday visit our relative’s homes and spend the whole day including break fast, lunch and Dinner
 Don’t invite anybody to our home. Sunday our relatives might come to our house. Just lock the door outside and do your work inside silently.
 Everybody assemble in adjacent street Perumal temple on Sunday for breakfast. They provide ‘Pongal’ as ‘prasadam’ which is good in taste
 Sheela stop going for gym and Yoga class. Use Attural (Made up of Stone for making Dosa /idly dough), Ammikal (Replacement of Mixie) instead of grinder and Mixie. Mom please give KT to Sheela about this.
 Don’t buy excess of things and store it in Fridge. Use big Mud pots for cool water.
 Everybody go to bed early around 6:30 pm. Ask Rahul to do his homework when he comes back from school immediately during the hours sunlight is available. If not ask him to read under street light.
 Use as much of cycle for transportation to near by places(It will help you to reduce fat and Cholesterol content)
 I know you are eager to watch latest release ‘Vaaranam Aayiram’. Don’t plan for that. Wail till next year Diwali to watch the same movie in Kalaignar TV

If you have any clarifications contact Sheela@kitchen

Coming to second Agenda point. Sheela, can you please update me about Rahul’s Education. In which standard he is studying? Whether he got any double promotion? He was writing annual exam for third standard when I was leaving for Amsterdam.

Sheela: Sekar, I am bit worrying about his education. I have tracked his efforts, schedule in our OHM+ tool. I found 20 % in Effort variance and 35 % in schedule deviation. His learning curve goes down in the control chart which you can see in the report, I have sent you yesterday.

Sekar: Thanks for your measurements. I will review the report and we will discuss it on next week’s call. I have a client meeting now. So we will discuss the third agenda item next week. Mom and Dad.. can you please drop out from the call. I wanted to talk to Sheela about few personal things and Dad, don’t forget to circulate the MOM to every one.

Sheela: Hello Sekar..

Sheela: Hello…Hello…

Sheela: Hello…

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